Just now I was having a panic attack in the kitchen. Overcome with anger and frustration with the state of the world (this, in the time of pandemic and pandemic-deniers) and politics, complicated by my lack of sleep, I was literally rocking in my chair with my head in my hands on the verge of tears.
My husband piped up, “Think of other people, that can help.” So my mind went to my family — suffering in the loneliness of quarantine. Not helpful. I tried to sing a favorite song from my childhood, “Don’t Turn Around” by Ace of Base (so cheesy, I know) but the way it came out of me, garbled and remorseful, was such a mockery that it made me laugh instead.
For some reason, I picked my head up and asked my husband, “Do you believe in spirit guides or guardian angels, that kind of thing?” He said he didn’t know and turned the question back to me. I thought for a bit and considered the hokey TV psychics (most notably the British guy from Most Haunted who always consulted trusty “Sam”) and said “…mmmmNo. Maybe. I don’t know. I don’t think so.”
“Why do you ask?” he queried. “I think you do. Don’t you feel better now than you did five minutes ago?”
“Well, yeah.. but I don’t know. Thinking about woo-woo stuff makes me feel better.”
“So rationalizing it does what, exactly? I think you answered your own question and immediately threw out the answer.”
“But if I had a spirit guide or a guardian angel, wouldn’t I know? Wouldn’t I know who they were?”
“No. Think about that. If their purpose is to guide you, if you knew for sure they were there, it would defeat the purpose.”
Okay, so he worded things a lot more elegantly than that and the conversation continued on. The point is quite valid. If we do have guides or angels, their purpose is to gently guide us, to push us in the right direction, to subtly influence us or provide inspired insight or comfort. Would it not be … ruined? if we knew they were there…?
Humans are stubborn. Our desire to rebel is strong and difficult to resist. Most of us are guilty of being defiant just because we don’t like being told what to do. We like to think our good ideas are OUR good ideas. We can sometimes be reluctant to give credit. And even in times when a thought seems to pop into our heads, seemingly from nowhere, we still take credit for subconsciously putting it there… somehow.
I am open-minded to spirit guides, even if I am still (even after this, sorry, Universe) skeptical. I tend to disbelieve people who see and know their guides, especially by name. I don’t know if I believe fully in angels – except in the case of passed-on relatives who are occasionally visiting their loved ones. I definitely am resistant to the idea that people are assigned guardian angels (especially with wings and halos – it seems so, SO wrong somehow!); some random soul who is charged with looking after you from beyond. Seems ludicrous. But then again… anything can be possible. So once more, I am left with more questions than answers.
For now, I am satisfied with wondering and keeping my distance. Spirit Guide, Angel, if you are out there listening, thanks for helping me feel better. I won’t blow your cover. 🙂
Margot Velvet 