Margot Velvet

Tag: personal life

  • Full Moon in Sagittarius

    Full Moon in Sagittarius

    A MoonOmens live Global Meditation ::: 6/5/2020

    “I am allowed to believe
    in myself. I am allowed
    to be proud of myself.
    It is my duty to shine.”

    -Tricia Huffman

    The past couple of weeks have been rough. I am dealing with a new body; not quite so different and yet radically changed.

    I am lighter in form, but struggling. I have been changing my daily rituals, routines, and habits to become healthier in many ways but bettering myself in some ways is wrecking havoc in others.

    Initially I was 322 lbs and constantly menstruating, losing so much blood in such large quantities that it was disrupting every aspect of my life. My uterine lining was nearly triple normal thickness. I was physically and emotionally drained. I was spending huge amounts of money on feminine products. I missed work due to uncontrollable blood clots and ruining my clothes midday. I stopped having sex with my husband. Everywhere I went, I needed to know where the bathroom was in case of the inevitable emergency. My hands were raw from washing them all day long. I became inhuman in the eyes of doctors and was instead a diagnosis: morbidly obese with endometrial hyperplasia. Doctors ran tests to determine the cause. I had painful procedures done to my most intimate parts that still scare me to think of. All of this and the answer was: you’re just too fat. Fat stores estrogen. Estrogen promotes uterine lining growth. I bled almost every single day from March 2019 – February 2020. I became a shadow of who I once was.

    I lost 55 pounds in three and a half months which has put an end to that problem. At first it was a miracle. Daily life resumed. The burden on my wallet ended. I could go out and have a normal social life without worrying that I’d need to leave early with a jacket wrapped around my waist. No more emergency trips to Walgreens. No more awkward bathroom trips. But something else was stirring and I knew for a while this was not sustainable.

    I ended up in the emergency room on June 7th. The events leading up to that are uncomfortable to speak of and I’m not sure I want to divulge the details anyway. All of the inner turmoil served as background noise to my life over the last several weeks. It was hard to meditate and reflect on anything in particular. My body was so out of balance that meditation could not be a tool for introspection, only relief from the present.

    Things are already improving now and for that, I am exceedingly grateful. I am not sure how much littler I can become. I set a goal of 220lbs. I am currently 40lbs shy of my end goal and I don’t know if I can reach it. It saddens me to think that it might just be impossible. It’s something I need to reevaluate and get comfortable with.

    I did participate in the Global Meditation… but I fell asleep. I needed it.

    The full moon in Sagittarius released some burdens for me and has made things clearer in its beautiful light. Thank you.

    I am looking forward to the next meditation on the 21st. A lot has happened in a short amount of time and I am ready (and capable!) to jump back in.

  • On Magical Places (pt. two)

    On Magical Places (pt. two)

  • On Magical Places (pt. one)

    On Magical Places (pt. one)

  • May 31st, 2020

    May 31st, 2020

    JUSTICE FOR GEORGE FLOYD. Defund The Police.

    Last night, people all over the world were protesting police brutality and the death of George Floyd (among countless, countless other atrocities). In the aftermath, I am left heartbroken. Not because of the looters and rioters, but because of the unanimous response of condemnation that I am seeing across my social media and timelines.

    I am a white woman, living in suburbia, and I am living just a hair above the state poverty limit. I recognize my privilege. I see it every day and it’s not fucking fair. And I see what POC are going through and my heart is aching, ACHING, with them. I stand in solidarity to all oppressed peoples. There is no room in my life for hate or disgust, only love and (currently) despair.

    Everyone (especially white people): LISTEN TO BLACK VOICES. BE THEIR WITNESS. It is not fake or imagined or exaggerated. Use your privilege for good – your silence is screaming apathy. The rioting and looting is the result of years and years of unjust brutality against POC and a president who can’t keep his mouth shut and only seems to make things worse at every turn. It’s pent up anger spilling out. The police have created this problem by making institutionalized racism and MURDER normal and turned a blind eye to real justice. We are at a breaking point. And those people out there condemning these riots and the actions of these people: Can any white person, in their heart, be sure what their breaking point would be after living a life of oppression, loss, and inequality?

    I donated to the Chicago Community Bond Fund to help pay bail for some of those 1,000 people arrested last night. The City of Chicago implemented a curfew without warning, then promptly shut down the CTA and lifted almost all of the drawbridges – effectively trapping those left in the city without a means to leave, rendering them all ‘criminals’ and arrestable. I could barely believe it was happening. The Cook County jail is sure to be full to bursting, and in the middle of a global pandemic situation, this is criminal. This could be a death sentence for some.

    I was watching the Twitter feeds roll in in real time. It started very peacefully, but then videos of police initiating violence started coming in after curfew began. Here is what was happening in Chicago:

    https://twitter.com/Valerie_k13/status/1266945178453118978
    https://twitter.com/may20p/status/1266912334989217792?s=09
    ^^^ THIS THREAD IS IMPORTANT – Click the link and watch the videos ^^^

    The Chicago Freedom School opened it’s doors to those left trapped in the city and could not leave. Lots of people were offering rides to those left downtown without an exit strategy. This coming together in the midst of chaos was beautiful.

    I hope people come to realization that this was completely avoidable if everyone (law enforcement, govt, friends, family, society!) practiced compassion.

    Where is our empathy? Why is the common reaction to be empathetic towards to businesses first? Why are you worried about Macy’s and Gucci and Nike and Target and AutoZone? Corporations are not people. A store can be rebuilt. Inventory is insured. Unemployment income is available. A LIFE EXTINGUISHED CANNOT BE REPLACED.

  • Dear Mother in Law,

    Dear Mother in Law,

    Today, your son showed me some of your trinkets.

    They were all carefully packed away in your chifforobe, loosely organized but done so with love. He told me about how he made the buckskin medicine bag and filled it with herbs and calcite dust. He collected seashells and fossils and rocks for you.

    He showed me your tarot decks: one perfectly preserved and wrapped in a scarf, a well-worn paper booklet placed upon it that still wore your fingerprints. The other, a practical Rider Waite. I was so happy, actually, relieved, when he said you preferred the Waite deck over the fancier one. I think it has better vibes, too. I pulled the most perfect card from it today. We left it shuffled as you had it, however many ages ago it was that you’d used it last.

    I wonder if you were a Star Seed. I wonder if your spirit really was too much for your body. I wonder if you truly were so magnificently special that you just couldn’t make it here in this reality, and your co-existence with a physical body was doomed, no matter what. I wonder if you infused your light into your son. I wonder if he has the same gifts. (We’ve talked about this at length during our quarantine conversations.)

    I hope you have forgiven me for all the things I did not do. I assumed you had and then promptly put it out of my mind, perhaps selfishly. I hope all that I have done since has made you happy. I hope that continuing on in your tradition honors you.

    And I hope you don’t mind if I use your deck! I read that it is bad luck to buy your own first deck, that it must instead be given or gifted or found. Your son offered it to me in your absence.

    I am sorry that the last thing you ate was Chef Boyardee ravioli. I remembered that recently and it’s been bothering me. It just doesn’t seem right. I know, it’s dumb. I know you don’t actually care. 🙂

    I’m sorry for not saying anything to you out loud while you were dying, besides thanking you for raising such a wonderful son. It was forced because I was sad and scared and all those people were there and I hated it. But I read from The Prophet to you the night before, and that holds more meaning to me than all the rest of it combined.

    I hope you have forgiven me for sometimes misplacing my bitterness toward the disease and putting it on you. I know you know how left out I felt, how third-wheely it could be sometimes. It was really hard for both of us in completely different ways. I did not want to compete for your son’s time. So, I chose not to. You always came first and I understood, I never challenged that. I know sometimes you did, and I have forgiven you, too. I hope it’s okay to say it.

    I told your son today today – or maybe yesterday – that I did not have any impressions of you ever being here or visiting. The first and last time that happened was right after you died, soon after we got rid of the hospital bed in the living room. (I wanted it gone – I think you would have approved of its immediate removal.) I also told him that I believe we can call out to loved ones and they can hear us and respond. They can visit and answer our call. I know he has called out to you in the past, but he didn’t know he could do it and have any effect. He knows now.

    Just sayin’.

    You would be so proud of him.

  • Green and blue and Beautiful

    Green and blue and Beautiful

    In one ear is the deep thu-THUMPing of my husband.
    The other tells me of the mixed tune of the water fountain on the lake, continuously splashing its playful song, and the swish of the tree leaves overhead.
    The breeze is a breath above cool – room temperature and almost imperceptible except for when the gust lifts the hair on my legs and arms.
    I can close my eyes because I know it will all be the same when I open them.
    I love him so much.