A MoonOmens live Global Meditation ::: 6/5/2020
“I am allowed to believe
in myself. I am allowed
to be proud of myself.
It is my duty to shine.”
-Tricia Huffman
The past couple of weeks have been rough. I am dealing with a new body; not quite so different and yet radically changed.
I am lighter in form, but struggling. I have been changing my daily rituals, routines, and habits to become healthier in many ways but bettering myself in some ways is wrecking havoc in others.
Initially I was 322 lbs and constantly menstruating, losing so much blood in such large quantities that it was disrupting every aspect of my life. My uterine lining was nearly triple normal thickness. I was physically and emotionally drained. I was spending huge amounts of money on feminine products. I missed work due to uncontrollable blood clots and ruining my clothes midday. I stopped having sex with my husband. Everywhere I went, I needed to know where the bathroom was in case of the inevitable emergency. My hands were raw from washing them all day long. I became inhuman in the eyes of doctors and was instead a diagnosis: morbidly obese with endometrial hyperplasia. Doctors ran tests to determine the cause. I had painful procedures done to my most intimate parts that still scare me to think of. All of this and the answer was: you’re just too fat. Fat stores estrogen. Estrogen promotes uterine lining growth. I bled almost every single day from March 2019 – February 2020. I became a shadow of who I once was.
I lost 55 pounds in three and a half months which has put an end to that problem. At first it was a miracle. Daily life resumed. The burden on my wallet ended. I could go out and have a normal social life without worrying that I’d need to leave early with a jacket wrapped around my waist. No more emergency trips to Walgreens. No more awkward bathroom trips. But something else was stirring and I knew for a while this was not sustainable.
I ended up in the emergency room on June 7th. The events leading up to that are uncomfortable to speak of and I’m not sure I want to divulge the details anyway. All of the inner turmoil served as background noise to my life over the last several weeks. It was hard to meditate and reflect on anything in particular. My body was so out of balance that meditation could not be a tool for introspection, only relief from the present.
Things are already improving now and for that, I am exceedingly grateful. I am not sure how much littler I can become. I set a goal of 220lbs. I am currently 40lbs shy of my end goal and I don’t know if I can reach it. It saddens me to think that it might just be impossible. It’s something I need to reevaluate and get comfortable with.
I did participate in the Global Meditation… but I fell asleep. I needed it.
The full moon in Sagittarius released some burdens for me and has made things clearer in its beautiful light. Thank you.
I am looking forward to the next meditation on the 21st. A lot has happened in a short amount of time and I am ready (and capable!) to jump back in.
Margot Velvet 